| Categories/Searches Most of the quotations in this section are general and over the years, this page has grown so huge that finding a specific quote is is difficult at best. From my end, organizing it is a nightmare.The search box at the bottom might help but also try the "Find (on this page)" function in Internet Explorer (located under "Edit" in the menu at the top). If you are looking for a specific author, don't forget to try searching under their name. Here are some quotations that are categorized : Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine) Quotes
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“The sun does not always shine in West Virginia, but the people always do.”
-President John F. Kennedy at the state’s centennial celebration in 1963
"Thirty years from now there will be a huge amount of oil—and no buyers. Oil will be left in the ground. The Stone Age came to an end, not because we had a lack of stones, and the Oil Age will come to an end not because we have a lack of oil..."
- Sheikh Zaki Yamani, Oil Minister of Saudi Arabia (1962–86), June 2000
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or
Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!
- Author Unknown
"Spam will be a thing of the past in two years' time."
- Bill Gates (January 24, 2004)
"I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell
something that's perfectly legal to give away?"
-- George Carlin
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
-- Ad slogan "Pepsi comes
alive" as initially translated into Chinese.
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
- A. A. Milne
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
-
African Proverb
"Politicians are like baby diapers. They need to be changed frequently - and for the same reason!"
- Larry L. Taylor
"I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment."
- Evelyn Harper, character on "Two and a Half Men"
"Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened."
-Cora Harvey Armstrong
"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies."
- Author Unknown
"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows."
-Janette Barber
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
-Erma Bombeck
"Old age ain't no place for sissies."
-Bette Davis
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."
-Rhonda Hansome
"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant."
-Jane Sellman
"Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows."
-Jennifer Unlimited
"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart."
-Caryn Leschen
"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
-Catherine Aird
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them."
-Sue Grafton
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on."
-Roseanne Barr
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
-Elayne Boosler
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'"
-Author Unknown
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together."
-Author Unknown
"Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box."
- Italian Proverb
"Livin' is hard...lovin' is hard...smellin' the flowers is hard. I can't even find the flowers."
--Robert Blake, Actor
"Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within. "
-- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, 16th Century Spanish writer
"The great tragedy of life is not death -- but that which dies inside us while we live."
-- Norman Cousins
“Flatter me – and I may not believe you.
Criticize me – and I may not like you.
Ignore me – and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me – and I will never forget you.”
-- William Arthur Ward
"In our business (entertainment), an optimist is an accordion player who carries a beeper."
-- Johnny Carson
"How people keep correcting us when we are young! There is always some bad habit or other they tell us we ought to get over. Yet most bad habits are tools to help us through life."
-- Jack Nicklaus, professional golfer
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
-- Albert Einstein
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
-- Albert Einstein
"Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams..."
-- May Parker, Character in "Spiderman 2"
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
-- Elizabeth Kubler Ross
"If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred."
-- the Bhagavad-Gita
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."
--Martin Luther King
"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, psychiatrist and author of "On Death and Dying"
"Failure seldom stops you. What stops you is fear of failure"
--Jack Lemmon, Actor
"A person who belly-laughs doesn't belly-ache."
--Susan Thurman
"Swallow your pride occasionally, and console yourself with the knowledge that it is 100% calorie-free."
--Author unknown
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
--Aparajito Sen
"An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind".
--Mahatma Gandhi
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW--What a Ride!"
--Author Unknown
"Wisdom is oftimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar"
--William Wordsworth
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
- Groucho Marx
"A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyr's blood."
- Irish saying
"I want people to know that in every life, there are storms. But we must remember to play after every storm and to celebrate the gift of life as we have it, or else life becomes a task, rather than a gift. We must always listen to the song in our heart, and share that song with others."
-Mattie Stepanek
"God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; heads you win... tails you lose."
- Author Unknown
"Money doesn't buy happiness but it's a heck of a down-payment."
- Denzel Washington
"Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
- Author Unknown
"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life."
- Arthur Ashe
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
~ Mahatma Gandhi
"The monkeybars get harder to manage each year but as long as the monkey is
still in me...I'm gonna try!"
--Emil Baldwin, Jr.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
--Author Unknown
"One job of an astronaut is to touch the stars for those who can't."
--Astronaut Dr. Sally Ride, on a episode of "Touched By An Angel"
"That's the wonderful thing about crayons...they can take you more places than a starship"
--Guinan, a character on Star Trek-The Next Generation
"When there are too many policeman, there can be no liberty; when there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace; when there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
--Lin Yutang (1895-1976, Chinese-American writer, translator, and editor)
"You can't just Control/Alt/Delete your way through life...sometimes you have to trust someone"
- Renée Palmer, Character on "Earth...Final Conflict"
"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks
that others throw at him or her."
- David Brinkley
"Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people
visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible.
And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible."
- Cherie Carter-Scott
"The cobra will bite you whether you call it cobra or Mr. Cobra."
- Indian Proverb
"Sometimes we can be so anxious to provide our children with what we did
not get in our childhood, that we might forget to give them what we did
get."
- Unknown
"Ideals are like the stars. We never reach them but, like the mariners on
the sea, we chart our course by them."
- Carl Schurz
"Some cause happiness WHEREVER they go; others WHENEVER they go."
-Oscar Wilde
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to
what lies within us."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Every man dies. Not every man lives."
-Tim Robbins
"Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."
-Van Kaam
"If you give a hungry man a fish, he'll eat for the day.
If you teach a hungry man how to fish, he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all
day."
-Author Unknown
"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited
while imagination embraces the entire world."
- Albert Einstein
"The really great man is the man who makes every man feel great."
-Author Unknown
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working
together is success."
- Henry Ford
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and
he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
-Author Unknown
"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different
and yet the same."
-- Anne Frank
"A great man is always willing to be little."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation."
--Unknown
"I wish you health, I wish you well, and happiness galore. I wish you luck for you and friends; what could I wish you more? May your joys be as deep as the oceans, your troubles as light as its foam. And may you find, sweet peace of mind, wherever you may roam. "
-- Irish Blessing
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
-- Steven Wright
"There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says 'Pretend
it's your IQ.'"
-Author Unknown
"To escape criticism--do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
-- Elbert Hubbard
*Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will.*
-Author Unknown
"Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like brushing your
teeth while eating an Oreo cookie."
-Author Unknown
"A penny saved is a Congressional oversight..."
-Author Unknown
"Accuracy and precision go a long way, but they sure slow you down"
-Author Unknown
"Physical strength can never permanently withstand the impact of spiritual force."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles."
-Author Unknown
"Never mistake motion for action."
- Ernest Hemmingway
"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
-Author Unknown
"Some say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to...because they know the other hand will always be there"
-- Author Unknown
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
-- Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself.
-- MarkTwain
"Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."
--Author Unknown
"If you reach for the moon and you happen to miss, you are still among the stars."
~Author unknown. Submitted by Abbe Jueds
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world."
-Author Unknown. Submitted by Abbe Jueds
"Life doesn't imitate art...it is art!"
-John Lennon
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
-Author Unknown
"Love is the spice that makes life eatable"
- Anne-Sofie Joergensen, "The Female Nerd"
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards"
-Author Unknown
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-Author Unknown
True nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
- Hindustani Proverb
Listening is a form of accepting.
- Stella Terill Mann
How would the child that you were view the person you've become
- Anonymous
Although the world is very full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
- Helen Keller
Think less of someone else's thought, and more of who you really are.
- Anonymous
Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin
The most difficult lessons are those with the greatest rewards.
- Anonymous
Real learning comes about when the competitive spirit has ceased.
- Krishnamurti
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
- Albert Einstein
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- Sherlock Holmes
Organize your life around your dreams - and watch them come true.
- Anonymous
Do not let great ambitions overshadow small successes.
-Fortune Cookie Wisdom
You CAN have it all. You just can't have it all at once.
- Anonymous
Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words.
- Chuang Tzu
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
- Indira Gandhi
The more you are, the more you will be.
- Anonymous
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
- Maori proverb
I'm a vunderful housekeeper. Effry time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Look and you will find it - what is unsought will go undetected.
- Sophocles
An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.
- Benjamin Franklin
The most instructive experiences are those of everyday life.
- Friedrich Nietzshe
We discovered that peace at any price is no peace at all.
- Eve Curie
What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
-G.B.Shaw
For every person with a spark of genius,there are a hundred with
ignition trouble.
-Kurt Hanks
It is not doubt,is certitude that drives you mad.
-Nietzsche
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
-Oscar Wilde
I'm not a complete fool..., some parts are missing.
-Tony Svanstrom
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow ~ Don't walk behind me, I
may not lead ~ Just walk beside me and be my friend.
-unknown
My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five
real friends, then you've had a great life.
-Lee Iacocca
Hold a true friend with both your hands.
-Nigerian Proverb
Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human
being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this
light.
-Albert Schweitzer
There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges
who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest
potential.
-Rusty Berkus
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
-Abraham Lincoln
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in
other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people
interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
I do not want a friend
Who smiles when I smile
Who weeps when I weep
For my shadow in the pool
Can do better than that.
-Confucious
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it
back to you when you have forgotten the words.
-unknown
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile
and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.
-Unknown
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-Robert Louis Stevenson
Positive self-esteem is the immune system of the spirit, helping an individual face life problems and bounce back from adversity.
-Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it!
-Unknown
Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it, we go nowhere.
-Carl Sagan
When a lawyer talks, it doesn't matter whether there's anyone in the audience or not...a lawyer talks just to hear themself talk, because they know that no one else will listen.
-Barbara Baxter, Attorney-at-Law
History is just a consensus hallucination. It's based on what people say they saw.
-James Cameron, Writer/Director of the movie Titanic
Being happy ain't nothin' more than havin' something to look forward to.
-Earl Pilcher, Jr. (Character in the movie,"A Family Thing")
"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal
from many, it's research."
-Wilson Mizner
"Spontaneity is best when meticulously planned"
-Tom Riddell
Change comes when it does...we all grow up when we do.
-Katey Sagal (from her song Can't Hurry the Harvest)
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining
-Judge Judy Sheindlin
Q. What's the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?
A. A psychotic thinks 2 and 2 are 5. A neurotic knows that 2 and 2 are 4 but it really bothers them.
-Phil Hartman
At a time of crisis during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was awakened late one night by an opportunist who reported that an officeholder had just died. "Mr. President," asked the would-be bureaucrat, "could I take his place?"
"Well," said Lincoln, "if it's all right with the undertaker, it's certainly all right with me."
-Morris K. Udall
A positive attitude may hardly seem worth the effort, unless you think of all the people you will annoy.
-Hallmark
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid,
than to open it and remove all doubt.
-Mark Twain (and Barbara Leiner)
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
- Albert Einstein
I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between
the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- Dorothy Parker
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Be different: Conform.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50 it will.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
There's no future in time travel.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
- Eric Hoffer
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman.
It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.
An armed society is a polite society.
I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
- Jessica Rabbit
When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn't enough.
- Alex P. Keaton
Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world was a wordprocessor?
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?
-- Arthur
If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation, because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
- George S. Patton (1885-1945)
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- e e cummings (1894-1962)
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty.
I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have
finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
- Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul
-- chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion."
-- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it."
When an actress asked Hitchcock if her right or left profile was better, he told her, "My dear, you're sitting on your best profile."
"When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.'"
"Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up."
"Television has brought murder back into the home - where it belongs"
"Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it."
On his mission in life:
"to simply scare the hell out of people."
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"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.""When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
"It takes 2 to lie Marge, one to lie and one to listen."
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?"
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
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